Recently, the Universal Zendo email list discussed using meditation to work through difficult emotions. One of the participants, Mary Jaksch, described how she has done this. Mary graciously agreed to our sharing her suggestions with you. She wrote:

     I have just come back from a weekend retreat where I focused on working with my feelings of
     despair, and I have put together a step-by-step outline of what works for me. I have found in my own
     practice, and in that of others, that you can work in this way with any strong emotional disturbance
     such as fear, grief, jealousy and so on and come out with some measure of equanimity. I offer this to
     you all in the hope that someone may benefit.

A. ON THE CUSHION

     1. GET YOUR BEARINGS
     Find the underlying feeling-state of the emotional turbulence. This may sound easier than it is because
     the feeling-state may be something we reject or deny. "I am jealous", "I am terrified", "I am
     enraged", "I am in despair" - to be able to face our condition truthfully is often the first step towards
     healing.

     2. WHERE DOES IT LIVE IN YOUR BODY?
     Each feeling-state has a voice in our body, if we only listen carefully. Notice which sensations in your
     body correspond to your feeling-state, which parts are clenched, tight, hurt and so on.

     3. HOLD THIS BODY FEELING IN YOUR AWARENESS.
     Hold this body feeling in your awareness with compassion and love without judgement, simply
     breathing in and out. Let this body feeling BECOME your awareness.

     4. NOTICE THOUGHT LOOPS
     Each feeling state has its own particular thought loops that accompany it. Be curious about this. Just
     notice, without judging. You may wish to name some of your recurrent thought loops. Then, when you
     notice you are caught in a familiar loop, you can say to yourself with compassion. "Oh, here's "hero
     fantasy" again, or "Here is 'If only...' again," or whatever your particular thought loop is called.

     5. EMBRACE SUFFERING WITH LOVE
     When you notice that you are caught up in one of your thought loops, gather all your love and say to
     yourself with utmost compassion: "Oh - suffering despair!" (Or whatever your feeling-state is). In this
     way you acknowledge with compassion that you are truly in anguish. You are also using 'suffering' in
     its ancient meaning of 'allowing'. You are allowing this feeling to come home to you from exile.

     6. GO DEEPLY INTO THE BODY FEELING
     When you go deeply into the body feeling you can find new understanding. You may find that the
     emotional turbulence you are suffering is a useful pattern that has helped you survive. Remember also
     that our body feelings are teachings that can open for us when we become intimate, when we don't
     separate ourselves from our pain.
 

B. OFF THE CUSHION

     1. UNDERSTAND YOUR PAST
     It is useful to ask yourself, "What do I know about this feeling state?" This is where working with a
     counselor or therapist can be very valuable. It's helpful for healing to understand how it is that we have
     certain fault-lines in our soul that break open when the ground we stand on shakes. If you are working
     on your own, notice what memories come up when you access the feeling state. Carefully and kindly
     examine any early memories of this feeling state. Stay with what is bearable. If you feel overwhelmed,
     go to the next exercise and look at your past together with someone you feel safe with.

     2. MOMENTS OF LOVE
     Whenever you are overwhelmed by the feeling-state in your everyday life, simply put your hand on the
     part of your body that expresses this feeling and silently say with utmost compassion, "Oh -
     suffering..." (Add your particular feeling-state.) You will find that the feeling-state loses its grip
     through this and you can find a measure of equanimity.

                                              ***

     Though you may be overwhelmed, though you may feel hopeless and unable to heal in a hundred
     years, know that through this practice the wound in your soul is beginning to heal deep under the
     surface of your consciousness. Just sit devotedly - breath by breath.

     I close with a poem that came out of my work with despair.

                                         DARK ANGEL

                                         Deep in my body
                                  rests the dark angel of my despair.
                                    I offer you a home, Despair.
                                       Please warm my voice
                                     with your trembling body,
                                          ignite my blood
                                        with your black fire,
                                       so that I may become
                                          a flaming moon
                                          in a night sky.

© Mary Jaksch

Mary is a Practice Leader at the Maitai Zendo in Nelson, New Zealand and works as a psychotherapist. Her email address is MaitaiZen@xtra.co.nz